So I'm serving my country.
I want to tell you all about it, but I don't want to be like Anat Kamm and reveal any sensitive materials. So here goes my army service: the censored version.
I was sent to the [censored] base near [censored] for training. We [censored] for [censored] hours, and then ate [censored] before [censored]. Thursday morning, we left for [censored]. How beautiful it is here! I went on a [censored] to look over the [censored] and I was [censored] by it. No other word can describe it. Anyway, I'm [censored] so I'm going to go to [censored].
Hope you enjoyed the update. Thanks a lot, Ms. Kamm...y'dumb [censored].
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Megillat Esther, Yoni Style (pt. 10)
Chapter 10: Epilogue
After all the drama, things finally settle down to normal. Achashverosh levies taxes on everyone he possibly can. As for Mordechai, he was a great vizier. In his post, he looked out for all Jews, and was liked by most of them. The rest can be found in the chronicles of the kings of Persia.
And as the curtain is about to go down on our little show, Charvona hobbles out on his one crutch and says, in his Cockney accent:
"A Happy Purim to all! And God bless us, everyone!"
After all the drama, things finally settle down to normal. Achashverosh levies taxes on everyone he possibly can. As for Mordechai, he was a great vizier. In his post, he looked out for all Jews, and was liked by most of them. The rest can be found in the chronicles of the kings of Persia.
And as the curtain is about to go down on our little show, Charvona hobbles out on his one crutch and says, in his Cockney accent:
"A Happy Purim to all! And God bless us, everyone!"
Megillat Esther, Yoni Style (pt. 9)
Chapter 9: ...Smells Like Victory.
The date arrives: Adar 13. Civil war erupts within the Persian empire, Jew vs. non-Jew. And although the Jews were greatly outnumbered, we win!! In Shushan alone the Jews kill 500 of our enemies, as well as the ten sons of Haman.
The casualty report was brought before Achashverosh. After reviewing the results, he approached Esther:
"In Shushan, your people have killed five hundred men, and the sons of Haman. In the rest of the kingdom, they've done much, much more. So now, my queen - what else do you want? What more can I do for you?"
Why the show of kindness? Achashverosh doesn't owe anything anymore, and she hadn't asked for anything. So why does he ask?
Achashverosh is a very shrewd politician. He knows the way the political winds blow. As soon as he sees the Jews on the upswing, he jumps at the chance to become more popular. He isn't really interested in helping Esther or her people; he's interested in consolidating his power.
Esther has one small thing to ask:
"If it please his majesty, let the Jews continue to fight their enemies tomorrow. As for the ten sons of Haman, let their corpses hang on the gallows for all to see."
The king grants her request, and the Jews proceed to kill another 300 of their foes on the 14th of Adar. In total, the civil war cost the lives of 75,000 enemies of the Jews. And the spoils? They were left untouched by the victors. You see, for the Jews, it wasn't about riches. It was about self-preservation. And we got that.
After the war is over, Mordechai sends out letters to all the 127 provinces, filling them in on all the details of the palace drama/politics that was only known to a handful of people until now. He urges everyone to establish a yearly celebration on two days, the 14th and 15th of Adar (since those were the days the Jews celebrated their underdog victory).
Jews all over the empire take it upon themselves to establish an annual holiday on the 14th and 15th days of Adar to be known as Purim, in commemoration of the pur (lots) that Haman used to choose the date of his evil plan. They declared these days to be days of feasting, joyousness, giving to the needy, and sharing gifts between neighbors.
So it was written, so let it be done.
The date arrives: Adar 13. Civil war erupts within the Persian empire, Jew vs. non-Jew. And although the Jews were greatly outnumbered, we win!! In Shushan alone the Jews kill 500 of our enemies, as well as the ten sons of Haman.
The casualty report was brought before Achashverosh. After reviewing the results, he approached Esther:
"In Shushan, your people have killed five hundred men, and the sons of Haman. In the rest of the kingdom, they've done much, much more. So now, my queen - what else do you want? What more can I do for you?"
Why the show of kindness? Achashverosh doesn't owe anything anymore, and she hadn't asked for anything. So why does he ask?
Achashverosh is a very shrewd politician. He knows the way the political winds blow. As soon as he sees the Jews on the upswing, he jumps at the chance to become more popular. He isn't really interested in helping Esther or her people; he's interested in consolidating his power.
Esther has one small thing to ask:
"If it please his majesty, let the Jews continue to fight their enemies tomorrow. As for the ten sons of Haman, let their corpses hang on the gallows for all to see."
The king grants her request, and the Jews proceed to kill another 300 of their foes on the 14th of Adar. In total, the civil war cost the lives of 75,000 enemies of the Jews. And the spoils? They were left untouched by the victors. You see, for the Jews, it wasn't about riches. It was about self-preservation. And we got that.
After the war is over, Mordechai sends out letters to all the 127 provinces, filling them in on all the details of the palace drama/politics that was only known to a handful of people until now. He urges everyone to establish a yearly celebration on two days, the 14th and 15th of Adar (since those were the days the Jews celebrated their underdog victory).
Jews all over the empire take it upon themselves to establish an annual holiday on the 14th and 15th days of Adar to be known as Purim, in commemoration of the pur (lots) that Haman used to choose the date of his evil plan. They declared these days to be days of feasting, joyousness, giving to the needy, and sharing gifts between neighbors.
So it was written, so let it be done.
Megillat Esther, Yoni Style (pt. 8)
Chapter 8: Meet the New Boss, Same as the Old Boss
From the outset, it seems like a 'happily ever after' situation is taking place: Mordechai was brought before Achashverosh, revealed as uncle to the queen. Almost immediately afterward, he was appointed to the post that Haman had occupied. As a sign of his gratitude and trust, Achashverosh gave his signet ring to Mordechai, allowing him to issue any orders he sees fit, with the power of the throne behind him.
But all is NOT well. Sure Haman is gone, but the royal edict to eradicate the kingdom of all Jews still stands!
Esther finds herself in a very awkward position. She has no more tricks up her sleeve. She can no longer manipulate Achashverosh like she did before. So what now? How can she convince him to rescind the order?
Abject begging.
She throws herself at the king's feet, crying. He extends his scepter to her once again, and asks what she wants (noticeably absent is the offer of half the kingdom). Esther pleads with all her heart:
"If it pleases the king, and if his majesty does love me; if the king sees that it is the right thing to do, and if I'm still his majesty's chosen queen, his majesty will please send out an order to retract the edict sent out by that traitor, Haman. For how can I go on, knowing that my people are doomed? How can I see them destroyed?"
And now, when all is laid bare, free of pretense, we see Achashverosh's true colors - He could not care less about the Jews:
"Look, I've given you and your uncle Haman's post, and I've executed Haman on the gallows meant for your uncle. You want to write an order? Write any order you want. Sign it with my ring. I will back up whatever you write, with one proviso: no edict of the king shall ever be rescinded."
So Esther and Mordechai realize they're on their own. The king is obviously more interested in his public opinion as a strong and confident ruler than in making sure his queen is happy. Not to mention the impending slaughter of every Jew in the realm. All Achashverosh cares about is being (or at least appearing to be)a strong ruler.
It's at this point that Mordechai, in the name of Achashverosh, writes a new edict:
"As stated in an earlier decree, the enemies of the Jews will be allowed to kill the Jews on the 13th of Adar, and whoever kills them may take their property. However, the king wishes to add one detail. On that day, the Jews will be allowed to defend themselves. Furthermore, the property of anyone killed by the Jews will be forfeit to them."
What does this actually do for the Jews?
Originally, what Haman proposed was a state-sponsored pogrom. The enemies of the Jews would be allowed to kill their Jewish neighbors, and the unwritten implication was that the king would not mind if local governors lent a hand. What Mordechai did, by allowing the Jews to defend themselves, was turn the pogrom into a civil war. Now the governors would have to consider: do they help the Jews or their enemies? How can they decide? How can they know who the king favors?
Mordechai plays his next move brilliantly.
He dresses in his princely garments and has a huge, ticker-tape parade in Shushan. A bit premature, isn't it? I mean, after all, the Jews have yet to be saved. But this is not a victory parade, it's a PR move: when the news that the king's new vizier is a Jew, and he's beloved by the everyone in the capital, they will assume that the king is showing favor to the Jews. And maybe it would behoove them to help the Jews instead of their enemies.
Sounds a little far-fetched, huh? Well, it works.
News of Mordechai's appointment spreads throughout the kingdom. Wherever the news reaches, there are incredible celebrations among the Jews. Singing, dancing, public displays of glee and joy are the order of the day.
And how does the news effect the non-Jewish population? They are so impressed by/scared of the Jews that there is a mass movement towards conversion to Judaism. And for those who don't convert, their sympathies strongly shift over from anti- to pro-Semitic (if that's even a word).
Politically, we've won!
But there's still an actual war to be fought.
From the outset, it seems like a 'happily ever after' situation is taking place: Mordechai was brought before Achashverosh, revealed as uncle to the queen. Almost immediately afterward, he was appointed to the post that Haman had occupied. As a sign of his gratitude and trust, Achashverosh gave his signet ring to Mordechai, allowing him to issue any orders he sees fit, with the power of the throne behind him.
But all is NOT well. Sure Haman is gone, but the royal edict to eradicate the kingdom of all Jews still stands!
Esther finds herself in a very awkward position. She has no more tricks up her sleeve. She can no longer manipulate Achashverosh like she did before. So what now? How can she convince him to rescind the order?
Abject begging.
She throws herself at the king's feet, crying. He extends his scepter to her once again, and asks what she wants (noticeably absent is the offer of half the kingdom). Esther pleads with all her heart:
"If it pleases the king, and if his majesty does love me; if the king sees that it is the right thing to do, and if I'm still his majesty's chosen queen, his majesty will please send out an order to retract the edict sent out by that traitor, Haman. For how can I go on, knowing that my people are doomed? How can I see them destroyed?"
And now, when all is laid bare, free of pretense, we see Achashverosh's true colors - He could not care less about the Jews:
"Look, I've given you and your uncle Haman's post, and I've executed Haman on the gallows meant for your uncle. You want to write an order? Write any order you want. Sign it with my ring. I will back up whatever you write, with one proviso: no edict of the king shall ever be rescinded."
So Esther and Mordechai realize they're on their own. The king is obviously more interested in his public opinion as a strong and confident ruler than in making sure his queen is happy. Not to mention the impending slaughter of every Jew in the realm. All Achashverosh cares about is being (or at least appearing to be)a strong ruler.
It's at this point that Mordechai, in the name of Achashverosh, writes a new edict:
"As stated in an earlier decree, the enemies of the Jews will be allowed to kill the Jews on the 13th of Adar, and whoever kills them may take their property. However, the king wishes to add one detail. On that day, the Jews will be allowed to defend themselves. Furthermore, the property of anyone killed by the Jews will be forfeit to them."
What does this actually do for the Jews?
Originally, what Haman proposed was a state-sponsored pogrom. The enemies of the Jews would be allowed to kill their Jewish neighbors, and the unwritten implication was that the king would not mind if local governors lent a hand. What Mordechai did, by allowing the Jews to defend themselves, was turn the pogrom into a civil war. Now the governors would have to consider: do they help the Jews or their enemies? How can they decide? How can they know who the king favors?
Mordechai plays his next move brilliantly.
He dresses in his princely garments and has a huge, ticker-tape parade in Shushan. A bit premature, isn't it? I mean, after all, the Jews have yet to be saved. But this is not a victory parade, it's a PR move: when the news that the king's new vizier is a Jew, and he's beloved by the everyone in the capital, they will assume that the king is showing favor to the Jews. And maybe it would behoove them to help the Jews instead of their enemies.
Sounds a little far-fetched, huh? Well, it works.
News of Mordechai's appointment spreads throughout the kingdom. Wherever the news reaches, there are incredible celebrations among the Jews. Singing, dancing, public displays of glee and joy are the order of the day.
And how does the news effect the non-Jewish population? They are so impressed by/scared of the Jews that there is a mass movement towards conversion to Judaism. And for those who don't convert, their sympathies strongly shift over from anti- to pro-Semitic (if that's even a word).
Politically, we've won!
But there's still an actual war to be fought.
Megillat Esther, Yoni Style (pt. 7)
Chapter 7: The Trap is Sprung
The second party is underway. The same people are in attendance, but the mood is drastically different.
Yesterday, Achashverosh was intrigued at the banquet; he had no idea why it was being thrown, and no clue as to why Haman was invited. His attitude was one of curiosity. Today, he is already upset with Haman, but he's still unsure about how Esther fits in with Haman's schemes. So he's still curious, but with a more menacing overtone.
Haman was on cloud nine yesterday. A party with the royal couple, another in the works, more money than he could ever spend, and a solid plan to do away with the Jews. He was as happy as a pig in slop. Today, this party is the last place he wants to be. He knows the king is furious with him (although he doesn't really know why), he was unable to carry out the simple task of framing and executing a lower-level courtier, and he had to humiliate himself as a grandmarshall at a Jew's parade that should have been for him. Nothing is going his way, and the horizon doesn't look any clearer.
Esther sees all of this, and is confident that her plan is working.
Once again, Achashverosh offers his grand gesture to Esther. If it takes half his kingdom, he will get to the bottom of all this.
"Whatever your request may be, my queen, it shall be granted. Even if you ask for half of the kingdom, it shall be given to you."
Esther knows that she can't delay the king any longer. She proceeds with her master stroke:
"If the king really loves me, and if his majesty sees fit, my request is for my life and my wish is to save my people. My people have been sold out for complete and total annihilation. Had we merely been sold as slaves, I would have kept quiet for we are all servants to his majesty in any case. But this wholesale massacre is not in the king's best interests because it threatens his queen."
A threat on the queen's life?! Another royal assassination attempt?! This is bittersweet news to Achashverosh. On the one hand, he's happy that Esther's machinations have nothing to do with marital infidelity; she's not cheating on him. On the other hand, his paranoia is raging, trying to figure out who would hatch a plan that would harm the queen.
"Who? Who is so brazen that he would think to carry out such a plan?"
Esther lays her last card down on the table:
"A villainous man who is a traitor to the crown: the wicked Haman, sitting right here."
Haman goes stark white. What the heck just happened?! Now they're BOTH upset with him?
The king is enraged. He gets up and leaves the banquet to process what he's just heard. (I always pictured him getting up from the banquet table with a roar of anger, flipping over his table like an angry cowboy in an old-west saloon calling another dude a yellow-bellied cheat. But that's just me.)
Haman uses this opportunity to try and weasel his way out of this mess. He goes over to Esther's couch and pleads with her to explain what just happened, and beg for her to have mercy on him. He knows now that the king is upset with him because of her. So he has got to smooth things over with her, so that the king won't kill him.
As the king came back in to the banquet room form his moment of fresh air outside, Haman trips and falls on Esther. This guy can't catch a break. The king sees this and gets even angrier:
"It's not enough that you plot and scheme against the queen's life, you want to take her while I'm right here?!"
Just then, one of the guards in attendance named Charvona pipes in:
"Your majesty, I happen to know that Haman has erected a gallows in his estate for the purpose of hanging Mordechai. His highness remembers Mordechai - they guy who saved your life? Yeah, Haman wants to hang him on his special gallows."
Where did this come from? Who's this Charvona guy? And how does he know all this?
Charvona was mentioned as an advisor to the king earlier in the story, but now he's been reduced to guard duty. As for the gallows, they were just built last night. The only people aware of its existence was Haman, his family, and his friends. So it can be safely assumed that Charvona was a friend of Haman's. So why rat him out like this? Because as is mentioned in the courtroom scene of Goodfellas, a rat will do anything to save itself. And as soon as he sees Haman's ship not just damaged, but sinking - like a good rat, he jumps ship.
As for Achashverosh, he's heard enough. This vizier of his has been plotting and scheming for years now, all behind the king's back. He alone influences the king; he hatched a plan that would get rid of the queen; he dreams of parading around in royal garments; and now it seems he wants to repay saving the king's life with execution! That's the final straw:
"He has a gallows? Good. Hang him on it."
And so Haman was hanged on the very gallows he'd built. And the anger of the king subsided.
The End.....isn't it?
I mean, the bad guy lost, so it's over. Right?
In the words of Judd Nelson in The Breakfast Club: Not. Even. Close. Bud!
The second party is underway. The same people are in attendance, but the mood is drastically different.
Yesterday, Achashverosh was intrigued at the banquet; he had no idea why it was being thrown, and no clue as to why Haman was invited. His attitude was one of curiosity. Today, he is already upset with Haman, but he's still unsure about how Esther fits in with Haman's schemes. So he's still curious, but with a more menacing overtone.
Haman was on cloud nine yesterday. A party with the royal couple, another in the works, more money than he could ever spend, and a solid plan to do away with the Jews. He was as happy as a pig in slop. Today, this party is the last place he wants to be. He knows the king is furious with him (although he doesn't really know why), he was unable to carry out the simple task of framing and executing a lower-level courtier, and he had to humiliate himself as a grandmarshall at a Jew's parade that should have been for him. Nothing is going his way, and the horizon doesn't look any clearer.
Esther sees all of this, and is confident that her plan is working.
Once again, Achashverosh offers his grand gesture to Esther. If it takes half his kingdom, he will get to the bottom of all this.
"Whatever your request may be, my queen, it shall be granted. Even if you ask for half of the kingdom, it shall be given to you."
Esther knows that she can't delay the king any longer. She proceeds with her master stroke:
"If the king really loves me, and if his majesty sees fit, my request is for my life and my wish is to save my people. My people have been sold out for complete and total annihilation. Had we merely been sold as slaves, I would have kept quiet for we are all servants to his majesty in any case. But this wholesale massacre is not in the king's best interests because it threatens his queen."
A threat on the queen's life?! Another royal assassination attempt?! This is bittersweet news to Achashverosh. On the one hand, he's happy that Esther's machinations have nothing to do with marital infidelity; she's not cheating on him. On the other hand, his paranoia is raging, trying to figure out who would hatch a plan that would harm the queen.
"Who? Who is so brazen that he would think to carry out such a plan?"
Esther lays her last card down on the table:
"A villainous man who is a traitor to the crown: the wicked Haman, sitting right here."
Haman goes stark white. What the heck just happened?! Now they're BOTH upset with him?
The king is enraged. He gets up and leaves the banquet to process what he's just heard. (I always pictured him getting up from the banquet table with a roar of anger, flipping over his table like an angry cowboy in an old-west saloon calling another dude a yellow-bellied cheat. But that's just me.)
Haman uses this opportunity to try and weasel his way out of this mess. He goes over to Esther's couch and pleads with her to explain what just happened, and beg for her to have mercy on him. He knows now that the king is upset with him because of her. So he has got to smooth things over with her, so that the king won't kill him.
As the king came back in to the banquet room form his moment of fresh air outside, Haman trips and falls on Esther. This guy can't catch a break. The king sees this and gets even angrier:
"It's not enough that you plot and scheme against the queen's life, you want to take her while I'm right here?!"
Just then, one of the guards in attendance named Charvona pipes in:
"Your majesty, I happen to know that Haman has erected a gallows in his estate for the purpose of hanging Mordechai. His highness remembers Mordechai - they guy who saved your life? Yeah, Haman wants to hang him on his special gallows."
Where did this come from? Who's this Charvona guy? And how does he know all this?
Charvona was mentioned as an advisor to the king earlier in the story, but now he's been reduced to guard duty. As for the gallows, they were just built last night. The only people aware of its existence was Haman, his family, and his friends. So it can be safely assumed that Charvona was a friend of Haman's. So why rat him out like this? Because as is mentioned in the courtroom scene of Goodfellas, a rat will do anything to save itself. And as soon as he sees Haman's ship not just damaged, but sinking - like a good rat, he jumps ship.
As for Achashverosh, he's heard enough. This vizier of his has been plotting and scheming for years now, all behind the king's back. He alone influences the king; he hatched a plan that would get rid of the queen; he dreams of parading around in royal garments; and now it seems he wants to repay saving the king's life with execution! That's the final straw:
"He has a gallows? Good. Hang him on it."
And so Haman was hanged on the very gallows he'd built. And the anger of the king subsided.
The End.....isn't it?
I mean, the bad guy lost, so it's over. Right?
In the words of Judd Nelson in The Breakfast Club: Not. Even. Close. Bud!
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Megillat Esther, Yoni Style (pt. 6)
Chapter 6: Sleepless in Shushan
That night, Achashverosh could not sleep. There were too many things racing around his mind. What did Esther mean when she said she wanted to invite the king and Haman to a banquet she prepared "for him?" Who is him? Ahchashverosh? Then why does Haman need to be there? Maybe "him" is Haman. But why would Esther make a party for Haman? What's going on between them? Are they having an affair? How do they even know each other? When did they meet?
Achashverosh wants to get to the bottom of all these questions. In order to figure this out, he orders his servants to bring him his daily chronicles. Their mission is to find a connection between Esther and Haman. If the two of them are having an affair, they would have first met in the palace at some point. To find mention of Haman is too easy; he's been the king's sole advisor for years now. The problem is, there's too much Haman-related material to sift through. But Esther is usually confined to the women's court, so any activity she's had in the palace or throne room will be easily found in the chronicles.
As the servants look for the earliest mention of her courtly activities, they come across the plot to kill the king by Bigtan and Teresh. They remark that although Esther relayed the information to the king, she didn't uncover the plot herself. It seems a low-level courtier named Mordechai is the one who discovered it. Achashverosh asks:
"What honor was bestowed upon him as his reward? What title was he given?"
They respond: "Nothing was done for him."
Nothing? A man goes out of his way to save the life of the king, and he gets nothing? How could Achashverosh overlook something like this? If no reward is given for saving the king's life, then why would anyone bother? Achashverosh suddenly realizes that he is much more vulnerable than he thought. There could be a plot against his life right now, for all he knows. And it won't be lowly guards this time, either. With each attempt the assassins will become bolder. They could conspire with with someone who has access to more sensitive areas of the palace, like the kitchen, the throne room, or even his bedroom!
Just as these paranoid thoughts are spinning through Achashverosh's head, he realizes someone is in the court, just outside his room!
"Who is in my courtyard, in the middle of the night?"
The mystery man in the courtyard is Haman. His wife wisely advised him to wait until morning to ask the king for permission to hang Mordechai. But like Calvin and Hobbes at Christmas, Haman can't wait until morning. He is so excited about getting rid of Mordechai (the very man the king was just thinking of rewarding, mind you), that he paid no attention to the impetuousness of his actions; he was coming to the bed-chamber of the most paranoid ruler of all time, in the middle of the night. Not smart.
"It's Haman," report the servants.
This is not normal behavior for his vizier. Or is it? Haman is pretty comfortable walking wherever he pleases in the palace. He even has everyone kneeling to him. How well does Achashverosh know Haman, anyway? He was promoted with lightning speed up the ranks. He has more money and honor than anyone in the kingdom, except Achashverosh himself. It's possible that he's been sleeping with the queen, and now he feels bold enough to walk in the most security-sensitive parts of the palace whenever he wants? He is becoming far too powerful. And powerful men are rarely satisfied with what they have. How ambitious is this Haman? Could he be so bold as to want the crown? Achashverosh intends to find out.
He asks Haman the most loaded question ever.
"Haman," asks Achashverosh, "What should be done with a man upon whom the king wishes to bestow an honor?"
The question is seemingly about anyone. But Achashverosh knows Haman. He knows that Haman is so egocentric that he will assume the question is referring to him. And it's in Haman's reply that he reveals what he really wants:
"The man upon whom the king wishes to bestow an honor should be dressed in the king's clothes. He should ride on the very horse the king rode when he was crowned. In fact, he should wear the crown itself! There should be a grand parade through the streets, with the entire royal court leading this man. An honored and important minister should lead the way, shouting: 'Thus shall be done to the man whom the king wishes to honor!'"
Who would want that? If an average citizen were offered a choice between Haman's reward or money, they would take the money. Or a title, or land, or anything that will improve his station in life. But Haman is not an average citizen, and Achashverosh knows it. Who wants a parade in the king's clothes? What will that do for him? Only a man who wants to BE the king would suggest such a ludicrous reward. And now Achashverosh knows Haman's true intentions.
So he has to take him down a peg or two.
"Fantastic idea. Now go - do all that you just suggested to Mordechai. Do you know Mordechai? He's the Jew that lately has been sitting by the palace gates. You must personally dress him in my clothes, put him on my horse, and lead him around the city exactly as you said. Do it. Do it exactly as you just told me."
And so, instead of hanging Mordechai as he'd wanted, Haman dresses Mordechai in Achasverosh's royal robes, saddles Achashverosh's horse and helps Mordechai get on it. He then heralds Mordechai through the streets of Shushan yelling: "Thus shall be done to the man whom the king wishes to honor!"
When the mini-parade is over, Mordechai returns to his mourning by the palace gates. Haman sulks home.
Yesterday, he was on top of the world! He was rich, powerful, and prestigious. The king would listen to him and him alone! And on top of all that, the queen had him at one party and invited him to another, both with only royalty in attendance! How wonderful! But now the king, for whatever reason is angry. He ordered Haman around like a common servant. And to lead a parade, how humiliating! And a parade for Mordechai, no less!
He tells all of this to Zeresh, his wife. When he's done, Zeresh drops a bombshell on her husband:
"Wait, Mordechai is a Jew? If that's the case, then you have no chance of coming out on top of all this."
Before Haman has a chance to ask what she means by that, palace guards arrive at the house to physically escort Haman to the second banquet Esther's prepared.
That night, Achashverosh could not sleep. There were too many things racing around his mind. What did Esther mean when she said she wanted to invite the king and Haman to a banquet she prepared "for him?" Who is him? Ahchashverosh? Then why does Haman need to be there? Maybe "him" is Haman. But why would Esther make a party for Haman? What's going on between them? Are they having an affair? How do they even know each other? When did they meet?
Achashverosh wants to get to the bottom of all these questions. In order to figure this out, he orders his servants to bring him his daily chronicles. Their mission is to find a connection between Esther and Haman. If the two of them are having an affair, they would have first met in the palace at some point. To find mention of Haman is too easy; he's been the king's sole advisor for years now. The problem is, there's too much Haman-related material to sift through. But Esther is usually confined to the women's court, so any activity she's had in the palace or throne room will be easily found in the chronicles.
As the servants look for the earliest mention of her courtly activities, they come across the plot to kill the king by Bigtan and Teresh. They remark that although Esther relayed the information to the king, she didn't uncover the plot herself. It seems a low-level courtier named Mordechai is the one who discovered it. Achashverosh asks:
"What honor was bestowed upon him as his reward? What title was he given?"
They respond: "Nothing was done for him."
Nothing? A man goes out of his way to save the life of the king, and he gets nothing? How could Achashverosh overlook something like this? If no reward is given for saving the king's life, then why would anyone bother? Achashverosh suddenly realizes that he is much more vulnerable than he thought. There could be a plot against his life right now, for all he knows. And it won't be lowly guards this time, either. With each attempt the assassins will become bolder. They could conspire with with someone who has access to more sensitive areas of the palace, like the kitchen, the throne room, or even his bedroom!
Just as these paranoid thoughts are spinning through Achashverosh's head, he realizes someone is in the court, just outside his room!
"Who is in my courtyard, in the middle of the night?"
The mystery man in the courtyard is Haman. His wife wisely advised him to wait until morning to ask the king for permission to hang Mordechai. But like Calvin and Hobbes at Christmas, Haman can't wait until morning. He is so excited about getting rid of Mordechai (the very man the king was just thinking of rewarding, mind you), that he paid no attention to the impetuousness of his actions; he was coming to the bed-chamber of the most paranoid ruler of all time, in the middle of the night. Not smart.
"It's Haman," report the servants.
This is not normal behavior for his vizier. Or is it? Haman is pretty comfortable walking wherever he pleases in the palace. He even has everyone kneeling to him. How well does Achashverosh know Haman, anyway? He was promoted with lightning speed up the ranks. He has more money and honor than anyone in the kingdom, except Achashverosh himself. It's possible that he's been sleeping with the queen, and now he feels bold enough to walk in the most security-sensitive parts of the palace whenever he wants? He is becoming far too powerful. And powerful men are rarely satisfied with what they have. How ambitious is this Haman? Could he be so bold as to want the crown? Achashverosh intends to find out.
He asks Haman the most loaded question ever.
"Haman," asks Achashverosh, "What should be done with a man upon whom the king wishes to bestow an honor?"
The question is seemingly about anyone. But Achashverosh knows Haman. He knows that Haman is so egocentric that he will assume the question is referring to him. And it's in Haman's reply that he reveals what he really wants:
"The man upon whom the king wishes to bestow an honor should be dressed in the king's clothes. He should ride on the very horse the king rode when he was crowned. In fact, he should wear the crown itself! There should be a grand parade through the streets, with the entire royal court leading this man. An honored and important minister should lead the way, shouting: 'Thus shall be done to the man whom the king wishes to honor!'"
Who would want that? If an average citizen were offered a choice between Haman's reward or money, they would take the money. Or a title, or land, or anything that will improve his station in life. But Haman is not an average citizen, and Achashverosh knows it. Who wants a parade in the king's clothes? What will that do for him? Only a man who wants to BE the king would suggest such a ludicrous reward. And now Achashverosh knows Haman's true intentions.
So he has to take him down a peg or two.
"Fantastic idea. Now go - do all that you just suggested to Mordechai. Do you know Mordechai? He's the Jew that lately has been sitting by the palace gates. You must personally dress him in my clothes, put him on my horse, and lead him around the city exactly as you said. Do it. Do it exactly as you just told me."
And so, instead of hanging Mordechai as he'd wanted, Haman dresses Mordechai in Achasverosh's royal robes, saddles Achashverosh's horse and helps Mordechai get on it. He then heralds Mordechai through the streets of Shushan yelling: "Thus shall be done to the man whom the king wishes to honor!"
When the mini-parade is over, Mordechai returns to his mourning by the palace gates. Haman sulks home.
Yesterday, he was on top of the world! He was rich, powerful, and prestigious. The king would listen to him and him alone! And on top of all that, the queen had him at one party and invited him to another, both with only royalty in attendance! How wonderful! But now the king, for whatever reason is angry. He ordered Haman around like a common servant. And to lead a parade, how humiliating! And a parade for Mordechai, no less!
He tells all of this to Zeresh, his wife. When he's done, Zeresh drops a bombshell on her husband:
"Wait, Mordechai is a Jew? If that's the case, then you have no chance of coming out on top of all this."
Before Haman has a chance to ask what she means by that, palace guards arrive at the house to physically escort Haman to the second banquet Esther's prepared.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Megillat Esther, Yoni Style (pt. 5)
Chapter 5: The Trap is Set
After three days of fasting and planning, Esther was ready. She put on her finest clothes and made herself look as beautiful as she could. And then she entered Achashverosh's throne room. Unannounced. This is in clear defiance of the king's law, which states that any unannounced visitor is to be put to death. What would the king do? Will he let her live, or will he execute her?
Achashverosh had to think this over very carefully. On the one hand, his word is law, so he must execute her. Of course, the repercussions on his reputation would be disastrous - he'll be known as the king who can't control his wives; the first one wouldn't appear when summoned, and the second one appears when she's forbidden to do so! But on the other hand, if he doesn't execute her, he'll be seen as weak. And Achashverosh cannot stand to appear to be weak. So he finds a very clever alternative that allows for him to spare Esther's life AND retain his position of power.
Achashverosh extends his scepter to Esther, indicating she is not to be executed. But why? Why does she get to evade the king's law? He makes it clear when he speaks to her:
"Esther, my queen! What can I do for you? You are the one I've chosen to rule beside me, so whatever you ask shall be granted. Even up to half the kingdom shall be yours, if you just ask it."
Why the display of magnitude? Up to now, it seems that Achashverosh would do anything to keep every bit of power to himself. So why offer to share it with Esther?
To save his own reputation. This way, Esther didn't defy his command, he let his queen be an exception to his own law. By overplaying his affection for her (if he really loved her so much, why hadn't he seen her in a month?), Achashverosh gave everyone in the throne room a plausible reason as to why Esther didn't need to be killed, while at the same time retaining his public perception as all-powerful. By offering so much, Achashverosh has turned a potential political embarrassment into another way he can appear benevolent and powerful at the same time.
But despite his clever power play, the question still plagues Achashverosh: What IS she doing here? What could make the queen risk her own life to see the king? What could possibly be so important? Esther tells him:
"If it would please His Majesty, I would like to invite the king and Haman to a private banquet I've prepared for him."
That's it? A Party? She risked her life to invite Achashverosh to a party? There must be more to it. Perhaps she wants to wait until she and the king are at the banquet, and THEN she'll let him know what she wants.
Achashverosh wants to get to the bottom of this as soon as possible. He orders Haman to be quickly summoned ad brought to the banquet Esther's prepared. Why does she want Haman there, anyway? How does Esther even know him? He'll soon find out.
Achashverosh, Esther, and Haman are all attending Esther's private party. They drink wine, eat food and probably engage in some small talk. Unable to wait for his queen to get to the point, Achashverosh gets right to it:
"Now that we're here, why don't you tell me what it is that's troubling you? Whatever you want, up to half the kingdom, I'll grant you."
At this point, Achashverosh is willing to pay a substantial amount to get to the bottom of this. Esther phrases her reply very carefully:
"My request. What I want. If His Majesty really loves me, and if His Majesty truly wants to grant my request and what I want, then let him and Haman come to a banquet I will prepare for them tomorrow. Then I will relate what it is I want from the king."
Esther's vagueness is not accidental. Her first invitation was to a party she'd prepared "for him." Him who? Achashverosh or Haman? The second invitation was to a party for "them." She knows that her king is extremely paranoid. She knows he'll spend the interim time between parties thinking about himself, his queen, and his vizier in a different light.
She hopes.
Meanwhile, Haman leaves the banquet proud as a peacock. Two exclusive parties in as many days! Just him and the Royal couple! Things could not be going better for him. But as he was leaving the palace to go home, he passed by Mordechai. And Mordechai wouldn't kneel.
Haman keeps his cool all the way home, but inside, he was fuming. When he arrives at home, he summons his family and friends for a brainstorming session. He tells them about his problem:
"I am one of the wealthiest people in the empire. The king has promoted me to the position of vizier, and I am the only one with whom he will consult on any and all matters. Today, the queen invited only me and the king to a private banquet. There will be another one tomorrow, again with only me and the king and queen in attendance. Yet, all this is meaningless. As long as Mordechai refuses to kneel before me, my power and prestige is incomplete. How can I be the most powerful man in the empire if I don't even have the respect of everyone in the palace! He's ruining everything!"
Zeresh, Haman's devoted wife, came up with a way to soothe her husband's bruised ego:
"If Mordechai is such a problem, then eliminate him. Build a special gallows, fifty amot tall, and hang him on it. Then you can proceed with your plan of wiping out his people, and advancing your position in the palace without that pesky Jew bothering you."
Leave it to a wife to know exactly what her husband wants to hear. Haman is so enthused about the idea, that he begins to build the gallows before he receives permission from the king to execute a member of court. He'll take care of that later. I mean it shouldn't be too difficult to trump up some charges against the whacko in sackcloth at the palace gates. It's a detail he can mind to later on. Right now, he's too happy just building the gallows that will solve all his problems.
After three days of fasting and planning, Esther was ready. She put on her finest clothes and made herself look as beautiful as she could. And then she entered Achashverosh's throne room. Unannounced. This is in clear defiance of the king's law, which states that any unannounced visitor is to be put to death. What would the king do? Will he let her live, or will he execute her?
Achashverosh had to think this over very carefully. On the one hand, his word is law, so he must execute her. Of course, the repercussions on his reputation would be disastrous - he'll be known as the king who can't control his wives; the first one wouldn't appear when summoned, and the second one appears when she's forbidden to do so! But on the other hand, if he doesn't execute her, he'll be seen as weak. And Achashverosh cannot stand to appear to be weak. So he finds a very clever alternative that allows for him to spare Esther's life AND retain his position of power.
Achashverosh extends his scepter to Esther, indicating she is not to be executed. But why? Why does she get to evade the king's law? He makes it clear when he speaks to her:
"Esther, my queen! What can I do for you? You are the one I've chosen to rule beside me, so whatever you ask shall be granted. Even up to half the kingdom shall be yours, if you just ask it."
Why the display of magnitude? Up to now, it seems that Achashverosh would do anything to keep every bit of power to himself. So why offer to share it with Esther?
To save his own reputation. This way, Esther didn't defy his command, he let his queen be an exception to his own law. By overplaying his affection for her (if he really loved her so much, why hadn't he seen her in a month?), Achashverosh gave everyone in the throne room a plausible reason as to why Esther didn't need to be killed, while at the same time retaining his public perception as all-powerful. By offering so much, Achashverosh has turned a potential political embarrassment into another way he can appear benevolent and powerful at the same time.
But despite his clever power play, the question still plagues Achashverosh: What IS she doing here? What could make the queen risk her own life to see the king? What could possibly be so important? Esther tells him:
"If it would please His Majesty, I would like to invite the king and Haman to a private banquet I've prepared for him."
That's it? A Party? She risked her life to invite Achashverosh to a party? There must be more to it. Perhaps she wants to wait until she and the king are at the banquet, and THEN she'll let him know what she wants.
Achashverosh wants to get to the bottom of this as soon as possible. He orders Haman to be quickly summoned ad brought to the banquet Esther's prepared. Why does she want Haman there, anyway? How does Esther even know him? He'll soon find out.
Achashverosh, Esther, and Haman are all attending Esther's private party. They drink wine, eat food and probably engage in some small talk. Unable to wait for his queen to get to the point, Achashverosh gets right to it:
"Now that we're here, why don't you tell me what it is that's troubling you? Whatever you want, up to half the kingdom, I'll grant you."
At this point, Achashverosh is willing to pay a substantial amount to get to the bottom of this. Esther phrases her reply very carefully:
"My request. What I want. If His Majesty really loves me, and if His Majesty truly wants to grant my request and what I want, then let him and Haman come to a banquet I will prepare for them tomorrow. Then I will relate what it is I want from the king."
Esther's vagueness is not accidental. Her first invitation was to a party she'd prepared "for him." Him who? Achashverosh or Haman? The second invitation was to a party for "them." She knows that her king is extremely paranoid. She knows he'll spend the interim time between parties thinking about himself, his queen, and his vizier in a different light.
She hopes.
Meanwhile, Haman leaves the banquet proud as a peacock. Two exclusive parties in as many days! Just him and the Royal couple! Things could not be going better for him. But as he was leaving the palace to go home, he passed by Mordechai. And Mordechai wouldn't kneel.
Haman keeps his cool all the way home, but inside, he was fuming. When he arrives at home, he summons his family and friends for a brainstorming session. He tells them about his problem:
"I am one of the wealthiest people in the empire. The king has promoted me to the position of vizier, and I am the only one with whom he will consult on any and all matters. Today, the queen invited only me and the king to a private banquet. There will be another one tomorrow, again with only me and the king and queen in attendance. Yet, all this is meaningless. As long as Mordechai refuses to kneel before me, my power and prestige is incomplete. How can I be the most powerful man in the empire if I don't even have the respect of everyone in the palace! He's ruining everything!"
Zeresh, Haman's devoted wife, came up with a way to soothe her husband's bruised ego:
"If Mordechai is such a problem, then eliminate him. Build a special gallows, fifty amot tall, and hang him on it. Then you can proceed with your plan of wiping out his people, and advancing your position in the palace without that pesky Jew bothering you."
Leave it to a wife to know exactly what her husband wants to hear. Haman is so enthused about the idea, that he begins to build the gallows before he receives permission from the king to execute a member of court. He'll take care of that later. I mean it shouldn't be too difficult to trump up some charges against the whacko in sackcloth at the palace gates. It's a detail he can mind to later on. Right now, he's too happy just building the gallows that will solve all his problems.
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