I'm writing this while resting after a week of army field training, so pardon the run-ons.
After another week of reserve duty, I'm struck by the bravery of my fellow soldiers. Here are guys from Tel Aviv or Eilat or wherever working all year long as businessmen or accountants or students or whatever, and they are spending one week or two weeks or a month of their year sleeping in tents just so they'll be ready to defend their country when called. These men are lions. They are mostly guys I would never give a second look; secular or a smoker or a nerd or an ars or whatever. But we all share this insatiable love for our country. And it's this love that makes us more than just fellow citizens or neighbors or comrades in arms. We are brothers. And if God forbid we were to ever find ourselves in combat, I know I would be safe, surrounded by family.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
What if...?
What if we got everything we want?
I'm almost done with my 34th day of mourning and fasting over something lost long before I was born. And because of that, for most of my life, Tish'a B'Av has been a detached sort of mourning. How can I mourn the loss of something I never had? I never stood in the courtyard of God's house, never saw the miracle of the wind-proof column of smoke, never heard the sweet songs of the Levites. I don't even know the tunes! I never got to see the radiance of the Kohen Gadol's face as he exited the Holy of Holies on Yom Kippur, KNOWING that God had forgiven us for our sins. I never had the closeness to God that I cry for having lost. As for why I should bother crying at all, I'll get to that another time.
But what if I could make the country into anything I wanted? That's what my next few posts are going to be about. And I would LOVE it if anyone reading would give me feedback, positive OR negative.
Let's start taking all our "What if"s and turning them into "When"s.
I'm almost done with my 34th day of mourning and fasting over something lost long before I was born. And because of that, for most of my life, Tish'a B'Av has been a detached sort of mourning. How can I mourn the loss of something I never had? I never stood in the courtyard of God's house, never saw the miracle of the wind-proof column of smoke, never heard the sweet songs of the Levites. I don't even know the tunes! I never got to see the radiance of the Kohen Gadol's face as he exited the Holy of Holies on Yom Kippur, KNOWING that God had forgiven us for our sins. I never had the closeness to God that I cry for having lost. As for why I should bother crying at all, I'll get to that another time.
But what if I could make the country into anything I wanted? That's what my next few posts are going to be about. And I would LOVE it if anyone reading would give me feedback, positive OR negative.
Let's start taking all our "What if"s and turning them into "When"s.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Miluim update
So I'm serving my country.
I want to tell you all about it, but I don't want to be like Anat Kamm and reveal any sensitive materials. So here goes my army service: the censored version.
I was sent to the [censored] base near [censored] for training. We [censored] for [censored] hours, and then ate [censored] before [censored]. Thursday morning, we left for [censored]. How beautiful it is here! I went on a [censored] to look over the [censored] and I was [censored] by it. No other word can describe it. Anyway, I'm [censored] so I'm going to go to [censored].
Hope you enjoyed the update. Thanks a lot, Ms. Kamm...y'dumb [censored].
I want to tell you all about it, but I don't want to be like Anat Kamm and reveal any sensitive materials. So here goes my army service: the censored version.
I was sent to the [censored] base near [censored] for training. We [censored] for [censored] hours, and then ate [censored] before [censored]. Thursday morning, we left for [censored]. How beautiful it is here! I went on a [censored] to look over the [censored] and I was [censored] by it. No other word can describe it. Anyway, I'm [censored] so I'm going to go to [censored].
Hope you enjoyed the update. Thanks a lot, Ms. Kamm...y'dumb [censored].
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Megillat Esther, Yoni Style (pt. 10)
Chapter 10: Epilogue
After all the drama, things finally settle down to normal. Achashverosh levies taxes on everyone he possibly can. As for Mordechai, he was a great vizier. In his post, he looked out for all Jews, and was liked by most of them. The rest can be found in the chronicles of the kings of Persia.
And as the curtain is about to go down on our little show, Charvona hobbles out on his one crutch and says, in his Cockney accent:
"A Happy Purim to all! And God bless us, everyone!"
After all the drama, things finally settle down to normal. Achashverosh levies taxes on everyone he possibly can. As for Mordechai, he was a great vizier. In his post, he looked out for all Jews, and was liked by most of them. The rest can be found in the chronicles of the kings of Persia.
And as the curtain is about to go down on our little show, Charvona hobbles out on his one crutch and says, in his Cockney accent:
"A Happy Purim to all! And God bless us, everyone!"
Megillat Esther, Yoni Style (pt. 9)
Chapter 9: ...Smells Like Victory.
The date arrives: Adar 13. Civil war erupts within the Persian empire, Jew vs. non-Jew. And although the Jews were greatly outnumbered, we win!! In Shushan alone the Jews kill 500 of our enemies, as well as the ten sons of Haman.
The casualty report was brought before Achashverosh. After reviewing the results, he approached Esther:
"In Shushan, your people have killed five hundred men, and the sons of Haman. In the rest of the kingdom, they've done much, much more. So now, my queen - what else do you want? What more can I do for you?"
Why the show of kindness? Achashverosh doesn't owe anything anymore, and she hadn't asked for anything. So why does he ask?
Achashverosh is a very shrewd politician. He knows the way the political winds blow. As soon as he sees the Jews on the upswing, he jumps at the chance to become more popular. He isn't really interested in helping Esther or her people; he's interested in consolidating his power.
Esther has one small thing to ask:
"If it please his majesty, let the Jews continue to fight their enemies tomorrow. As for the ten sons of Haman, let their corpses hang on the gallows for all to see."
The king grants her request, and the Jews proceed to kill another 300 of their foes on the 14th of Adar. In total, the civil war cost the lives of 75,000 enemies of the Jews. And the spoils? They were left untouched by the victors. You see, for the Jews, it wasn't about riches. It was about self-preservation. And we got that.
After the war is over, Mordechai sends out letters to all the 127 provinces, filling them in on all the details of the palace drama/politics that was only known to a handful of people until now. He urges everyone to establish a yearly celebration on two days, the 14th and 15th of Adar (since those were the days the Jews celebrated their underdog victory).
Jews all over the empire take it upon themselves to establish an annual holiday on the 14th and 15th days of Adar to be known as Purim, in commemoration of the pur (lots) that Haman used to choose the date of his evil plan. They declared these days to be days of feasting, joyousness, giving to the needy, and sharing gifts between neighbors.
So it was written, so let it be done.
The date arrives: Adar 13. Civil war erupts within the Persian empire, Jew vs. non-Jew. And although the Jews were greatly outnumbered, we win!! In Shushan alone the Jews kill 500 of our enemies, as well as the ten sons of Haman.
The casualty report was brought before Achashverosh. After reviewing the results, he approached Esther:
"In Shushan, your people have killed five hundred men, and the sons of Haman. In the rest of the kingdom, they've done much, much more. So now, my queen - what else do you want? What more can I do for you?"
Why the show of kindness? Achashverosh doesn't owe anything anymore, and she hadn't asked for anything. So why does he ask?
Achashverosh is a very shrewd politician. He knows the way the political winds blow. As soon as he sees the Jews on the upswing, he jumps at the chance to become more popular. He isn't really interested in helping Esther or her people; he's interested in consolidating his power.
Esther has one small thing to ask:
"If it please his majesty, let the Jews continue to fight their enemies tomorrow. As for the ten sons of Haman, let their corpses hang on the gallows for all to see."
The king grants her request, and the Jews proceed to kill another 300 of their foes on the 14th of Adar. In total, the civil war cost the lives of 75,000 enemies of the Jews. And the spoils? They were left untouched by the victors. You see, for the Jews, it wasn't about riches. It was about self-preservation. And we got that.
After the war is over, Mordechai sends out letters to all the 127 provinces, filling them in on all the details of the palace drama/politics that was only known to a handful of people until now. He urges everyone to establish a yearly celebration on two days, the 14th and 15th of Adar (since those were the days the Jews celebrated their underdog victory).
Jews all over the empire take it upon themselves to establish an annual holiday on the 14th and 15th days of Adar to be known as Purim, in commemoration of the pur (lots) that Haman used to choose the date of his evil plan. They declared these days to be days of feasting, joyousness, giving to the needy, and sharing gifts between neighbors.
So it was written, so let it be done.
Megillat Esther, Yoni Style (pt. 8)
Chapter 8: Meet the New Boss, Same as the Old Boss
From the outset, it seems like a 'happily ever after' situation is taking place: Mordechai was brought before Achashverosh, revealed as uncle to the queen. Almost immediately afterward, he was appointed to the post that Haman had occupied. As a sign of his gratitude and trust, Achashverosh gave his signet ring to Mordechai, allowing him to issue any orders he sees fit, with the power of the throne behind him.
But all is NOT well. Sure Haman is gone, but the royal edict to eradicate the kingdom of all Jews still stands!
Esther finds herself in a very awkward position. She has no more tricks up her sleeve. She can no longer manipulate Achashverosh like she did before. So what now? How can she convince him to rescind the order?
Abject begging.
She throws herself at the king's feet, crying. He extends his scepter to her once again, and asks what she wants (noticeably absent is the offer of half the kingdom). Esther pleads with all her heart:
"If it pleases the king, and if his majesty does love me; if the king sees that it is the right thing to do, and if I'm still his majesty's chosen queen, his majesty will please send out an order to retract the edict sent out by that traitor, Haman. For how can I go on, knowing that my people are doomed? How can I see them destroyed?"
And now, when all is laid bare, free of pretense, we see Achashverosh's true colors - He could not care less about the Jews:
"Look, I've given you and your uncle Haman's post, and I've executed Haman on the gallows meant for your uncle. You want to write an order? Write any order you want. Sign it with my ring. I will back up whatever you write, with one proviso: no edict of the king shall ever be rescinded."
So Esther and Mordechai realize they're on their own. The king is obviously more interested in his public opinion as a strong and confident ruler than in making sure his queen is happy. Not to mention the impending slaughter of every Jew in the realm. All Achashverosh cares about is being (or at least appearing to be)a strong ruler.
It's at this point that Mordechai, in the name of Achashverosh, writes a new edict:
"As stated in an earlier decree, the enemies of the Jews will be allowed to kill the Jews on the 13th of Adar, and whoever kills them may take their property. However, the king wishes to add one detail. On that day, the Jews will be allowed to defend themselves. Furthermore, the property of anyone killed by the Jews will be forfeit to them."
What does this actually do for the Jews?
Originally, what Haman proposed was a state-sponsored pogrom. The enemies of the Jews would be allowed to kill their Jewish neighbors, and the unwritten implication was that the king would not mind if local governors lent a hand. What Mordechai did, by allowing the Jews to defend themselves, was turn the pogrom into a civil war. Now the governors would have to consider: do they help the Jews or their enemies? How can they decide? How can they know who the king favors?
Mordechai plays his next move brilliantly.
He dresses in his princely garments and has a huge, ticker-tape parade in Shushan. A bit premature, isn't it? I mean, after all, the Jews have yet to be saved. But this is not a victory parade, it's a PR move: when the news that the king's new vizier is a Jew, and he's beloved by the everyone in the capital, they will assume that the king is showing favor to the Jews. And maybe it would behoove them to help the Jews instead of their enemies.
Sounds a little far-fetched, huh? Well, it works.
News of Mordechai's appointment spreads throughout the kingdom. Wherever the news reaches, there are incredible celebrations among the Jews. Singing, dancing, public displays of glee and joy are the order of the day.
And how does the news effect the non-Jewish population? They are so impressed by/scared of the Jews that there is a mass movement towards conversion to Judaism. And for those who don't convert, their sympathies strongly shift over from anti- to pro-Semitic (if that's even a word).
Politically, we've won!
But there's still an actual war to be fought.
From the outset, it seems like a 'happily ever after' situation is taking place: Mordechai was brought before Achashverosh, revealed as uncle to the queen. Almost immediately afterward, he was appointed to the post that Haman had occupied. As a sign of his gratitude and trust, Achashverosh gave his signet ring to Mordechai, allowing him to issue any orders he sees fit, with the power of the throne behind him.
But all is NOT well. Sure Haman is gone, but the royal edict to eradicate the kingdom of all Jews still stands!
Esther finds herself in a very awkward position. She has no more tricks up her sleeve. She can no longer manipulate Achashverosh like she did before. So what now? How can she convince him to rescind the order?
Abject begging.
She throws herself at the king's feet, crying. He extends his scepter to her once again, and asks what she wants (noticeably absent is the offer of half the kingdom). Esther pleads with all her heart:
"If it pleases the king, and if his majesty does love me; if the king sees that it is the right thing to do, and if I'm still his majesty's chosen queen, his majesty will please send out an order to retract the edict sent out by that traitor, Haman. For how can I go on, knowing that my people are doomed? How can I see them destroyed?"
And now, when all is laid bare, free of pretense, we see Achashverosh's true colors - He could not care less about the Jews:
"Look, I've given you and your uncle Haman's post, and I've executed Haman on the gallows meant for your uncle. You want to write an order? Write any order you want. Sign it with my ring. I will back up whatever you write, with one proviso: no edict of the king shall ever be rescinded."
So Esther and Mordechai realize they're on their own. The king is obviously more interested in his public opinion as a strong and confident ruler than in making sure his queen is happy. Not to mention the impending slaughter of every Jew in the realm. All Achashverosh cares about is being (or at least appearing to be)a strong ruler.
It's at this point that Mordechai, in the name of Achashverosh, writes a new edict:
"As stated in an earlier decree, the enemies of the Jews will be allowed to kill the Jews on the 13th of Adar, and whoever kills them may take their property. However, the king wishes to add one detail. On that day, the Jews will be allowed to defend themselves. Furthermore, the property of anyone killed by the Jews will be forfeit to them."
What does this actually do for the Jews?
Originally, what Haman proposed was a state-sponsored pogrom. The enemies of the Jews would be allowed to kill their Jewish neighbors, and the unwritten implication was that the king would not mind if local governors lent a hand. What Mordechai did, by allowing the Jews to defend themselves, was turn the pogrom into a civil war. Now the governors would have to consider: do they help the Jews or their enemies? How can they decide? How can they know who the king favors?
Mordechai plays his next move brilliantly.
He dresses in his princely garments and has a huge, ticker-tape parade in Shushan. A bit premature, isn't it? I mean, after all, the Jews have yet to be saved. But this is not a victory parade, it's a PR move: when the news that the king's new vizier is a Jew, and he's beloved by the everyone in the capital, they will assume that the king is showing favor to the Jews. And maybe it would behoove them to help the Jews instead of their enemies.
Sounds a little far-fetched, huh? Well, it works.
News of Mordechai's appointment spreads throughout the kingdom. Wherever the news reaches, there are incredible celebrations among the Jews. Singing, dancing, public displays of glee and joy are the order of the day.
And how does the news effect the non-Jewish population? They are so impressed by/scared of the Jews that there is a mass movement towards conversion to Judaism. And for those who don't convert, their sympathies strongly shift over from anti- to pro-Semitic (if that's even a word).
Politically, we've won!
But there's still an actual war to be fought.
Megillat Esther, Yoni Style (pt. 7)
Chapter 7: The Trap is Sprung
The second party is underway. The same people are in attendance, but the mood is drastically different.
Yesterday, Achashverosh was intrigued at the banquet; he had no idea why it was being thrown, and no clue as to why Haman was invited. His attitude was one of curiosity. Today, he is already upset with Haman, but he's still unsure about how Esther fits in with Haman's schemes. So he's still curious, but with a more menacing overtone.
Haman was on cloud nine yesterday. A party with the royal couple, another in the works, more money than he could ever spend, and a solid plan to do away with the Jews. He was as happy as a pig in slop. Today, this party is the last place he wants to be. He knows the king is furious with him (although he doesn't really know why), he was unable to carry out the simple task of framing and executing a lower-level courtier, and he had to humiliate himself as a grandmarshall at a Jew's parade that should have been for him. Nothing is going his way, and the horizon doesn't look any clearer.
Esther sees all of this, and is confident that her plan is working.
Once again, Achashverosh offers his grand gesture to Esther. If it takes half his kingdom, he will get to the bottom of all this.
"Whatever your request may be, my queen, it shall be granted. Even if you ask for half of the kingdom, it shall be given to you."
Esther knows that she can't delay the king any longer. She proceeds with her master stroke:
"If the king really loves me, and if his majesty sees fit, my request is for my life and my wish is to save my people. My people have been sold out for complete and total annihilation. Had we merely been sold as slaves, I would have kept quiet for we are all servants to his majesty in any case. But this wholesale massacre is not in the king's best interests because it threatens his queen."
A threat on the queen's life?! Another royal assassination attempt?! This is bittersweet news to Achashverosh. On the one hand, he's happy that Esther's machinations have nothing to do with marital infidelity; she's not cheating on him. On the other hand, his paranoia is raging, trying to figure out who would hatch a plan that would harm the queen.
"Who? Who is so brazen that he would think to carry out such a plan?"
Esther lays her last card down on the table:
"A villainous man who is a traitor to the crown: the wicked Haman, sitting right here."
Haman goes stark white. What the heck just happened?! Now they're BOTH upset with him?
The king is enraged. He gets up and leaves the banquet to process what he's just heard. (I always pictured him getting up from the banquet table with a roar of anger, flipping over his table like an angry cowboy in an old-west saloon calling another dude a yellow-bellied cheat. But that's just me.)
Haman uses this opportunity to try and weasel his way out of this mess. He goes over to Esther's couch and pleads with her to explain what just happened, and beg for her to have mercy on him. He knows now that the king is upset with him because of her. So he has got to smooth things over with her, so that the king won't kill him.
As the king came back in to the banquet room form his moment of fresh air outside, Haman trips and falls on Esther. This guy can't catch a break. The king sees this and gets even angrier:
"It's not enough that you plot and scheme against the queen's life, you want to take her while I'm right here?!"
Just then, one of the guards in attendance named Charvona pipes in:
"Your majesty, I happen to know that Haman has erected a gallows in his estate for the purpose of hanging Mordechai. His highness remembers Mordechai - they guy who saved your life? Yeah, Haman wants to hang him on his special gallows."
Where did this come from? Who's this Charvona guy? And how does he know all this?
Charvona was mentioned as an advisor to the king earlier in the story, but now he's been reduced to guard duty. As for the gallows, they were just built last night. The only people aware of its existence was Haman, his family, and his friends. So it can be safely assumed that Charvona was a friend of Haman's. So why rat him out like this? Because as is mentioned in the courtroom scene of Goodfellas, a rat will do anything to save itself. And as soon as he sees Haman's ship not just damaged, but sinking - like a good rat, he jumps ship.
As for Achashverosh, he's heard enough. This vizier of his has been plotting and scheming for years now, all behind the king's back. He alone influences the king; he hatched a plan that would get rid of the queen; he dreams of parading around in royal garments; and now it seems he wants to repay saving the king's life with execution! That's the final straw:
"He has a gallows? Good. Hang him on it."
And so Haman was hanged on the very gallows he'd built. And the anger of the king subsided.
The End.....isn't it?
I mean, the bad guy lost, so it's over. Right?
In the words of Judd Nelson in The Breakfast Club: Not. Even. Close. Bud!
The second party is underway. The same people are in attendance, but the mood is drastically different.
Yesterday, Achashverosh was intrigued at the banquet; he had no idea why it was being thrown, and no clue as to why Haman was invited. His attitude was one of curiosity. Today, he is already upset with Haman, but he's still unsure about how Esther fits in with Haman's schemes. So he's still curious, but with a more menacing overtone.
Haman was on cloud nine yesterday. A party with the royal couple, another in the works, more money than he could ever spend, and a solid plan to do away with the Jews. He was as happy as a pig in slop. Today, this party is the last place he wants to be. He knows the king is furious with him (although he doesn't really know why), he was unable to carry out the simple task of framing and executing a lower-level courtier, and he had to humiliate himself as a grandmarshall at a Jew's parade that should have been for him. Nothing is going his way, and the horizon doesn't look any clearer.
Esther sees all of this, and is confident that her plan is working.
Once again, Achashverosh offers his grand gesture to Esther. If it takes half his kingdom, he will get to the bottom of all this.
"Whatever your request may be, my queen, it shall be granted. Even if you ask for half of the kingdom, it shall be given to you."
Esther knows that she can't delay the king any longer. She proceeds with her master stroke:
"If the king really loves me, and if his majesty sees fit, my request is for my life and my wish is to save my people. My people have been sold out for complete and total annihilation. Had we merely been sold as slaves, I would have kept quiet for we are all servants to his majesty in any case. But this wholesale massacre is not in the king's best interests because it threatens his queen."
A threat on the queen's life?! Another royal assassination attempt?! This is bittersweet news to Achashverosh. On the one hand, he's happy that Esther's machinations have nothing to do with marital infidelity; she's not cheating on him. On the other hand, his paranoia is raging, trying to figure out who would hatch a plan that would harm the queen.
"Who? Who is so brazen that he would think to carry out such a plan?"
Esther lays her last card down on the table:
"A villainous man who is a traitor to the crown: the wicked Haman, sitting right here."
Haman goes stark white. What the heck just happened?! Now they're BOTH upset with him?
The king is enraged. He gets up and leaves the banquet to process what he's just heard. (I always pictured him getting up from the banquet table with a roar of anger, flipping over his table like an angry cowboy in an old-west saloon calling another dude a yellow-bellied cheat. But that's just me.)
Haman uses this opportunity to try and weasel his way out of this mess. He goes over to Esther's couch and pleads with her to explain what just happened, and beg for her to have mercy on him. He knows now that the king is upset with him because of her. So he has got to smooth things over with her, so that the king won't kill him.
As the king came back in to the banquet room form his moment of fresh air outside, Haman trips and falls on Esther. This guy can't catch a break. The king sees this and gets even angrier:
"It's not enough that you plot and scheme against the queen's life, you want to take her while I'm right here?!"
Just then, one of the guards in attendance named Charvona pipes in:
"Your majesty, I happen to know that Haman has erected a gallows in his estate for the purpose of hanging Mordechai. His highness remembers Mordechai - they guy who saved your life? Yeah, Haman wants to hang him on his special gallows."
Where did this come from? Who's this Charvona guy? And how does he know all this?
Charvona was mentioned as an advisor to the king earlier in the story, but now he's been reduced to guard duty. As for the gallows, they were just built last night. The only people aware of its existence was Haman, his family, and his friends. So it can be safely assumed that Charvona was a friend of Haman's. So why rat him out like this? Because as is mentioned in the courtroom scene of Goodfellas, a rat will do anything to save itself. And as soon as he sees Haman's ship not just damaged, but sinking - like a good rat, he jumps ship.
As for Achashverosh, he's heard enough. This vizier of his has been plotting and scheming for years now, all behind the king's back. He alone influences the king; he hatched a plan that would get rid of the queen; he dreams of parading around in royal garments; and now it seems he wants to repay saving the king's life with execution! That's the final straw:
"He has a gallows? Good. Hang him on it."
And so Haman was hanged on the very gallows he'd built. And the anger of the king subsided.
The End.....isn't it?
I mean, the bad guy lost, so it's over. Right?
In the words of Judd Nelson in The Breakfast Club: Not. Even. Close. Bud!
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